Billiterates Blog Lesson 6 11/26/2017 – 12/2/2017

Dr. June Bug Diddums here and for those of you wonderin’, I’m from ‘Mericus, Jawga. I went back and saw my folks for Gobble Day, and read a book while on the toilet. Since most folks read while losing pounds, I developed a Flush system. Memorize and learn for your own use:

FIVE FLUSHES!        Gonna hear knocking, cause you lost track a time!

FO’ FLUSHES!          Easy flow means at least 3 chapters read!

THREE FLUSHES!    Constipation allows 10 to 15 pages of decent readin’!

TWO FLUSHES!        Equal to having the runs while on public transportation stuck in traffic!

ONE FLUSH!             Like using a public bathroom and then realizing there’s no toilet paper!

The book was Andersonville by Macklinlay Kantor.

The plot gets:  ONE FLUSH!

Why? It was all over the place! I wanted to learn more about the civil war prison Andersonville, down in my home town ‘Mericus. What I learnt was the goings on of damned near e’rybody living near the prison! I was pissed cause I already heard most of the stories!

Don’t call a book Andersonville and write over 700 huned pages, but only talk about Andersonville fo’ only two fifty to three huned max!

The characters gets:     FIVE FLUSHES!

I gotta give credit where due. The folks were real! Kinda reminded me of my kin (actually, some a them were my kin). The people jumped off the pages!

Overall:           TWO FLUSHES!

The title was wrong! Shoulda called it; Civil War Folk and their Goings’ on. I also got one more complaint. The book won the Pulitzer, but Macklinlay doesn’t use quotations. How you posed to know when folks is talking?

I don’ like having to reread to figure out when narrating stops and talking starts. And I still gotta read somethin’ else to find out bout Andersonville the prison. That sucks!

Billiterates Blog Lesson 5 11/19/2017 – 11/25/2017

Dr. June Bug Diddums here, and I’m preparing for Gobble Day! For this holiday week lesson, let’s look at the history behind the family tradition of food fights! Once again, we must look at politics!

The first meeting of the Brontosaurian and Boarausaurian parties took place shortly after their formation. As was the custom of the day, a huge feast was prepared by each party. Despite their dietary changes, there were many dishes still eaten by both sides.

One popular dish was the forefather of the quiche. Isis normally prepared the succulent dish but was under the weather. Stufi offered to help his beautiful wife and followed her instructions to the letter. That is, until it came to adding the spices.

Stu didn’t know his father, Zuri, kept his own private stash of Kahn Ibis smokes hidden amongst the spices. Because of this, Zuri’s stash was accidently added, bringing extra flavor to more than just the quiche.

Of course Ayana would be a major figure in the Brontosaurian party. She never forgave him for marrying her daughter, and despised him for introducing bacon to the families.

Stu played gracious host for the Boarausaurians, and was handing out blackberry pie for dessert. Always trying to impress, Stu brought Ayana the first slice. Unfortunately he tripped and the pie smashed into Ayana’s face.

Possibly it was the Kahn Ibis effect, or just her hatred of her son-in-law, but Ayana grabbed a slice and mushed Stu. Isis came to her man’s defense and threw some pie at her mom. Ayana ducked and an unsuspecting onlooker received a face full.

Needless to say, the room erupted with flying food. So the next time Congress convenes and you have to duck Aunt Buelah’s fruit cake, remember Stu Piede’s contribution!

Billiterates Blog Lesson 4 11/12/2017 – 11/18/2017

Dr. June Bug Diddums here and this week we’ll talk politics! It’s time you learn the REAL history behind the Republican and Democratic parties!

Many historians attribute the birth of modern politics, and the two party system, to the ancient Greeks. Not true! The actual facts are related to the discovery of bacon. We once again find Stufi Piede tending to his Boarausauraus pen.

These early Boars, as they were called, were corralled for their fur. The carcasses were fed to their pet dogs. One day a nearby volcano erupted and a spurt of lava fell on a carcass. Over 90% of the carcass was burnt to a crisp, but what remained was a deep burgundy.

Stu’s nose was alerted first, and after a brief investigation, he was soon chewing the aromatic meat. This led to a disagreement among the families. Those who wanted to adopt the eating of meat formed the Boarausaurian party, and soon began collecting herds of Boarausauraus.

The Brontosaurian party continued to eat fruits, vegetables, and berries. So the next time you head for the polls, thank Stu Piede for his discovery of bacon!

Billiterates Blog Lesson 3 11/5/2017 – 11/11/2017

Dr. June Bug Diddums here, and I have your lesson! Today we’ll learn the history behind rolling papers. You may think you know the 411, but ya don’t!

Kahn Ibis Mohamed was the most prolific trader on the Kush plains. His danka was tops, and everyone traded for Kahn Ibis smokes, as they were known on the Silk Road. Stufi was no different.

After bartering some skins for the heralded inhales, Stu rushed home with the greatest of anticipation. Upon arrival, he was confronted with his beautiful wife, Isis, sweeping up some debris.

Ayana, his mother-in-law, looked at him and her mouth said, “Sorry,” though her eyes said, “Not!” Stu was about to ask, “Sorry for what?”, when he noticed his beloved pipe was the debris. Had the movies been around then, Stu would’ve fallen to his knees and yelled, “Nooooooooo!”

An hour later, Stufi left a poem on papyrus for his Isis. Unfortunately Ayana found it, read it, and burned it. Why? Maybe the words upset her.

T-rex’s are grey-

Sticky icky is brown-

Get rid of Mama-sauraus-

So we can get down!

Stu was preparing to voice his displeasure about the burning papyrus, when the smell crossed his nose. Then the heavens shined down upon him and he smiled. He was soon out back rolling the first one!

So remember Stu Piede, the next time you roll a doobie!